Please Stay

October 19, 2018

It wasn't so much what he did, as what he was going to do. Or what she thought he was going to do.

Stacy drove away, making damn sure to make as much noise as she could, hoping to break up what her husband was planning to do. She saw them together. Two people she thought she could trust. She saw him moving closer and closer, hoping to throw his entire life away for...what? Her? Lucy Wylde? Was she even worth it?

As she made the long, lonely drive back to New Jersey, she had plenty of time to think about how close they were. How intimate they were. Huddled there together against her car, talking about who knows what, enjoying each other's company. She knew they were friends, best friends, but she didn't know this was going on.

But it all made sense in retrospect. He kept going to Baltimore early. It was only a three hour drive from their home to the Carnage Arena but he said he wanted to train. Sometimes he wasn't even on the show. But he was apparently contractually obligated to be there.

She wondered how much of what he said was even the truth. She wondered if he lied to hurt her or if he was scared she'd fine out. She wondered how long the two of them had been together.

She wondered a lot.

She couldn't help it. They were pretty cozy at that moment. They had been spending a lot of time together. And now, without proof or without actually seeing anything happened, she couldn't help but assume that something had. For all she knew, something was happening right now. 

The thought of that made her cry.

She ended up crying several times on the way back to New Jersey. She even had to pull over once or twice, making a three hour drive much longer. When she finally got home, she found she had no more tears left to give.

Stacy was numb. Numb and broken.

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November 13, 2018

JC pulled into the driveway, finally free of the anger he felt just a few hours prior. All of the things he had been feeling in the past several months and it all boiled down to anger. And he had the perfect person to target. 

Where did Maggie get off bringing his family into a conversation about her issues with Lucy? And beyond knowing how he feels, Maggie didn't know how Lucy felt. She certainly didn't know that without him Lucy would be dead, at least to his knowledge. Maybe if she did she'd show a little fucking gratitude. 

Regardless of his emotional state, he would never jeopardize what he had to be with Lucy. Never. 

Except you almost did.

With his illness, it was sometimes hard to tell if the voices in his head were himself or his dark passenger. In this case, he suspected it was just his guilt and he silently told it to 'fuck off.' Nothing happened then and nothing would happen. He loved Lucy, yes, but he had a family that he also loved. And he would never hurt them in that way.

The leaves crunched under his boot as he walked up to the porch and let himself in. He assumed that Stacy would be asleep. It was, after all, almost morning. He didn't bother to check on Lucy because he knew her well enough to know that when she was mad, you should give her space. So he'd check on her tomorrow, if he had the chance.

As his thoughts remained on Lucy, he opened the door and saw, with some surprise, that Stacy was in a loveseat across from the couch with the light on, looking at her phone.

She was waiting on him.

"Stace? What are you doing up?"

Stacy had been very distant from him in the past month, which made it easier and easier to leave home early for Carnage. He knew she likely suspected something was up, he wasn't blind, but he hadn't seen Lucy since that night and really was leaving to train. He just couldn't be in the house and see an accusatory look on his face for something he had no intention of doing.

She looked at him and he noticed how tired she looked. No, not tired. Fatigued. It looked like something had been weighing on her mind for a while. It was the same look she had for some time but he couldn't ever get her to say what was on her mind. He had his suspicions, but that was all they were because she wasn't communicative.

"I watched Chaos tonight."

He let his bag drop to the floor, but didn't say anything as he shut the door behind him. There was no need to. He knew exactly what she was going to say.

"Is what that woman said true? Do you love Lucy?"

He hated Maggie for even suggesting the possibility on national television. More than that, he hated himself for even feeling that way. Even though he was currently trying to put some distance from her and stuff his emotions down, it was still true. He loved her. 

"Just...just tell me it's not true. Tell me that this is all a big misunderstanding. Even if it's a lie. Lie to me, Joe. I don't want to hear the truth."

He said nothing. The last thing he wanted to do is lie to her, which he had done too much already. She lowered her head and brushed her hair out of her face. A long, deep sigh escaped her lips, almost like a shudder. 

"Listen..."

"I saw you, you know. Last month."

The words that he meant to use to placate her or convince her that everything would be okay simply vanished. He closed his mouth and slumped onto the floor, sitting down as the realization of what exactly she meant set in. It was a night where nothing happened but a night where he wanted something to happen. Where something would have happened if not for...

That car that sped off.

Didn't he have a funny feeling after that? And didn't that car look a little familiar?

"You two looked so happy together. So comfortable. What did you do with her, Joe?"

"Stacy, I..."

"Did you go to her house and fuck her?"

The word sounded even more vulgar than it was usually intended. It was almost barbed the way she used it, intending to draw blood. It hurt him that she would even think that. But she had no reason to believe otherwise and that was his fault. He left the house early. He made trips to see Lucy without explaining or saying so. He was acting like a guilty man even though he technically hadn't actually cheated on her.

Except, some would say the mere thought of loving another woman was, in itself, cheating.

If that were true, then he was definitely the asshole here. He couldn't control his feelings but he could have controlled how he handled the situation. And he handled it poorly.

"No, we didn't do anything."

"Yeah, right."

"I'm serious."

"Why should I believe you? You've lied to me before."

He actually made a habit of it, either about his mental illness or his current problem, but now was not the time to bring it up.

"You're right. But I'm telling the truth now. She would tell you the same."

"But, I saw you two together."

"I was at her house helping her with something personal, which is the only reason I didn't tell you. It wasn't my place, but I guess I should have just said that."

"Yes, you should have."

It got very quiet now, with neither knowing exactly what to say. If one were looking in from the outside, perhaps they'd think that this slight misunderstanding would lead to reconciliation. Perhaps that's what happened. Maybe Joe and Stacy agreed to patch things up and go to couples counseling. It seems logical. 

Maybe the counseling works out. Maybe Joe and Lucy decide they should take some time apart so neither of them ruins their lives with what could be a passing fancy. It's possible that Joe and Stacy grow old together as they've always planned and watch their daughter grow up into an admirable young woman. Maybe somewhere in some far off future, perhaps 2036, that same daughter is competing in a resurrected OWF, following in her father's footsteps. 

Except, that's not this story. 

Not every story has a happy ending and not every couple lives happily ever after. Sometimes, relationships end for no reason whatsoever. Sometimes they end for a myriad of reasons. One person can be willing to put in the work while the other simply isn't. Another person can be at fault. Or maybe no one's at fault, and the relationship itself just doesn't work. Life's complicated and nothing is ever black and white.

There was no one to tell Joe or Stacy that, because now they sat across from each other slowly realizing this was the end. Maybe not consciously, but there was a growing feeling in the air, a thickness that permeated everything. It's why even though Joe seemingly cleared everything up, he really didn't. Because while yes, he didn't actually kiss Lucy, and didn't act on his feelings, he still had feelings. They both knew it.

"Did you want to?"

Stacy vocalized the unasked question and brought it out into the open. Joe felt a pang of sadness and wanted to be anywhere else. He didn't want this and he knew Lucy certainly didn't. But it was happening. 

"That's..."

"It's a yes or no question, Joe. Because it certainly looked like you were moving in for something when I saw you."

Once again, he said nothing.

"I thought so. That woman was right. You do love her, don't you?"

"I...I think I do feel something, yes."

There was no point in lying. Not only was he tired of doing it, but Stacy was too good of a woman to treat that way. He didn't deserve her. He didn't even deserve Lucy. He deserved to be alone, away from anyone that he could possibly hurt. In that moment he felt worthless, beyond saving and the lowest he'd ever felt. There was no voice he could blame this on, no mental illness. This was all him, and he hurt someone he loved.

Stacy simply sat there for a moment and took things in. Then she quietly nodded.

"Okay. How long?"

"Stacy, do we really have to do this? Nothing happened and whatever thoughts I might have will go away. Let's just...."

"How. Long?"

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. This was a nightmare. 

"I don't know. I think I realized it a few months ago. I tried to convince myself it was something else and...I just couldn't."

"Does she love you?"

"Seems that way."

She stood up now and began to pace. It was something they had in common when they were agitated or upset.

"Then how am I supposed to believe that you never did anything?"

"Because I wouldn't do that to you."

"Sure..."

"I know it doesn't seem like it right now, Stace, but I still love you. This whole thing is a mess."

"You can't be in love with two women!"

"That certainly seems to be the way it is right now."

"Christ, Joe. What is wrong with you? After everything we've been through, you just throw it away like this? I don't understand why you'd push me away. I thought we made each other happy."

Joe lowered his head in shame. Nothing he could say would make this right, and part of him knew that.

"You did...you do make me happy."

"Obviously not happy enough."

"That's not fair. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you."

"Then why would you want someone else?"

"I don't know."

He did know why he loved Lucy, but he knew that Stacy wasn't actually trying to get answers about that. The truth was, the two women had a lot in common, but there were things about him that only Lucy could ever understand. And he would never tell his wife that.

Her soft feet padded across the carpeted floor and she stood beside where he sat, before slumping down next to him. She hugged her knees and pulled them into her chest, holding herself for comfort. He didn't dare touch her, as he didn't think it would do anything but hurt at this point.

"It's over, isn't it?"

She shrugged, then rubbed her legs due to the coldness of the room. He took off his jacket and gave it to her, and she accepted, draping it over her lap.

"I think it might be. This isn't even the first problem we've had. Maybe I..."

Another sigh, and she hugged herself a little tighter.

"Maybe I shouldn't have left you at your lowest. Maybe that played a part in things."

There was nothing he could say that would convince her otherwise, so he didn't try. It may have been true, even if he didn't believe so. It was true they'd had problems before, and their marriage was nowhere near perfect, but they kept at it. Maybe they were wrong to do so.

"Shit, Lucy is the one that made me take you back. If only I knew then..."

"I didn't even know then."

She nodded, but continued to look down. This simple fact didn't make anything better. Nothing could.

"I still love you too, Joe. I hate you so much right now, but...I still love you. You're still a good guy, but...that's not enough. If it wasn't Lucy, maybe it would have been someone else."

"I'm not a good guy. You deserve way better than me."

"Yeah, or maybe you're the only thing a former addict like me should ever have. Maybe this is what I get."

"Don't say that, Stace. Don't ever say that. You're the strongest woman I've ever met. Don't ever blame yourself. Hate me if you want, I deserve that. But don't ever blame yourself."

She nodded again, absentmindedly, without any real feeling to it. The finality of things was finally beginning to settle in. They could go to therapy, but as she pointed out, there were plenty of issues before this. If anything, this was just the catalyst that finally ended something that should have ended a while ago.

"I really thought we were going to last."

"I did too."

The two of them sat there and said nothing. Stacy found a hidden reservoir of tears and silently cried them out, as Joe tried his best to avoid doing the same. After a few minutes of nothing, she turned to face him, her eyes red and wet.

“I have no idea what to do from here.”

“Me either..”

His words came out in a whisper, which seemed to surprise him. He laid his head back against the couch and sighed.

"Can we not worry about that right now? Can you just...hold me?"

He reached out his arm and she crawled into him without hesitation. In spite of outward appearances, there was no comfort to be had in the gesture. They sat there like that for a while, realizing that they had let something go and there were no more chances to get it back.

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Perhaps my greatest legacy will be that I left so many people broken and hurt along the way, even with the best intentions.

All I do is bring pain and misery to those around me.

The best thing I can do at this point in my life is weaponize it.

But make no mistake here. I may be flawed, damaged and hazardous, but I'm still the hero of the story. I may not be the hero it deserves, but I'm the one it gets.

What are you? You're just a blip on the radar. I'm not going to suddenly lie and say you're not talented. You are. You've got skill and you've beat a number of great wrestlers to get where you're at. But that was then and this is now. Now you have me and I'm the best in the world. 

But yes, I'm flawed. We've all done things we're not proud of and we've all lost things we care about. I'm one of those people. I'm not perfect. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. 

But the one thing I've always been sure about, always been 100% confident in, is what I can do in the ring. Wrestling is my first love and it will always be what I turn to when everything else has gone awry. 

So when I challenged Maggie Lockheart to a match, I had only the best intentions. Okay, I did want her title. But is that really reason enough for her to do what she did? 

Stomping my head into the mat, I could forgive. It's not like I haven't done that before, and it's not like I haven't sent a message by dropping someone where they stood. This sport is just as much mental as it is physical.

But then I heard her. I heard her put their names in her mouth. As if she knows them. As if she knows me.

Maggie, you don't know me. You've never even met a motherfucker like me.

I am not your kind.

So now it's personal. Now I just want to hurt you. And what a coincidence, I'm in the perfect type of match to allow me to do that.

I won't apologize for my actions. Not to you. 

You haven't earned that.  

All you've earned is a trip to the hospital and the knowledge that you brought this on yourself. When you look at the scars I'm going to give fifteen years from now, and they've faded to the point they're nearly invisible, you'll know that I did that. I'll be retired by then, and you'll be doing who knows what, but you'll know that I gave you that damage.

Why is this happening? I don't know. I don't know why you took friendly competition and made it what it was. Perhaps I'll never know. I just know that when I'm angered, I lash out. And I'm ready to lash out. 

I do know that you were awfully possessive over Lucy last Chaos. Do you even know as much as you think you do? You don't. You don't know the half of it. If you did, you'd be thanking the air I breathe for keeping me alive. 

All you know is your assumptions. And right or wrong, it really doesn't matter in the end. You had your chance with Lucy, and that ended. And while I'm just her friend, it's really none of your business. What's really none of your business is my family. You will not bring them up because they are not a part of this. 

This is between you and me, and I think you bringing everything else into it is because you're scared. 

You may have potential, and you may have talent, but now you've peaked too early and you're scared that this is as good as it gets. And you realized that by accepting my challenge, you ensured your downfall. I can't really blame you. You'd have to go back pretty far to find the last time I've been pinned in Carnage. 

You're scared that you're not the future you claim to be. You're not even the present. You think this miracle run of yours is about to end and you know that you can't beat me. So you attack me, you try to hurt my friendships. You do anything to distract yourself from the fact that at the end of the day, this is all on you.

That's right. You drove Lucy away. You know it. Otherwise, why apologize on Twitter? 

Yes, I saw that. And yes, I commented. Because you need to learn.

You're a shiny little never-will and you're ruining the game. And it's time you learn that actions have consequences. I thought that same lesson to Redemption just a year ago and he's out of the business. I didn't think I'd have to teach it to you, but I will.

The lesson will be swift, but it won't be painless. It will be brutal and excruciating. You'll remember this match for the rest of your life. 

I wasn't planning to be super violent here. I don't need to. Like Will Prydor, I'm more than skilled enough in that ring to win a title, even the Ultraviolent, with my abilities alone. But because you made this personal, you've forced my hand.

So it's time for me to get violent, and it's time for me to inflict a little of the old ultraviolence on you. 

When you're down and out, likely bleeding and broken, I want you to look. Look at the carnage. Look at the pain.

Look what you made me do.