The secret burned inside of him. It was a secret that only two people knew and even though no actions were taken yet, it was enough that the secret was kept. The secret was dirty, it was wrong. It was also exciting. He was ashamed of how excited he was by it.
The truth was, he told Lucy Wylde he was in love with her only a month ago. This was not long after he discovered it himself, ironically, thanks to the words of her then-girlfriend Maggie Lockheart. Maggie seemed more intuitive than he gave her credit for, and made him realize how he felt. Perhaps she wasn't that intuitive, because as far as he knew she had no idea Lucy told him she felt the same way.
It was very hard to keep something like that to himself, even after telling Lucy. Especially after telling Lucy. He felt unfaithful to his wife, who had never done him wrong, just by having the feelings he had. All she wanted him to do was get his head right. She wanted it for his own sake, as well as the safety of their baby and her. He knew this, and yet part of him resented him for it. Is that why he fell for Lucy? Because she accepted him for who he was, flaws and all?
He didn't know the answer to that, and he was positive he didn't want to talk to Lucy about it. With no other option, he found himself in the office of Jonathan Fuller, his psychiatrist. He had been seeing Fuller for about two years now, to varying degrees of success. After his relapse, their visits had become more frequent as they tried to find the right medication to deal with his bipolar disorder. He thought the mood stabilizers he had before were enough, but apparently not.
These days he went on a mixture of those and sedatives. It was no wonder he came up short at WrestleStock, given how doped up he found himself. Perhaps, if he bullshitted hard enough, he could convince Lucy that what he said was a combination of the drugs and a fear that she would die. Maybe he could sweep it under the rug.
But that wouldn't be fair. Not just to him, but Lucy. It also wouldn't be true.
He wasn't sure what was the whole truth anymore, but he knew he had to talk with someone.
Someone on the TV mentioned something about the floor pattern for the house they were looking at. It seemed the channel was always HGTV, no matter what time of day or what kind of clientele were in the office. He couldn't tell the difference between the various shows, but he supposed it was sterile enough that it worked perfectly as background noise.
He was busy thumbing through Twitter and wondering how to pass his time. No one was being insufferable enough to warrant his attention, so he continued to stew in boredom until finally, the receptionist alerted him that he could go back. He never did catch her name. Perhaps he should if he was going to keep coming here. It might be nice to have someone to talk to while he waited.
Joe stopped at the door frame of the office and looked around. It always seemed to look different, as though Dr. Fuller never quite liked any particular arrangement. The chair was right next to the door this time, so JC took a seat as the doctor spun around in his chair like some maniacal villain from a spy movie.
"Joe, how's the new medicine treating you?"
"I haven't punched any walls, if that's what you're asking."
Joe ran a hand through his hair. He never felt comfortable here. It was a place he was meant to be open about his feelings, but he never quite trusted it. Never trusted him. He felt as though he was risking some involuntary psychiatric hold if he said the wrong thing. There was something not quite right about Fuller, but he was always amiable enough that JC usually dismissed it.
"I wasn't, actually. But that's good to hear."
He made a note in his pad. JC hated that pad. He wanted to read it and then burn it.
"So what brings you in today? You had the chance to skip this visit if your meds were working."
"I actually needed to talk about something and take advantage of doctor-patient confidentiality."
Fuller raised his eyebrows at that, and had a cautious look on his face.
"You know that if you are..."
"..a danger to myself or others you have to report it. I'm not."
"And you didn't commit any crimes?"
"I haven't broken any laws."
JC shifted uncomfortably in the chair. He was telling this paid professional, still a stranger, over his own wife. He felt unclean for something he felt, as opposed to something he did. He never touched Lucy. She never invited him to. But he still felt like he was doing wrong by Stacy just for thinking about her the way he did.
"Well, I guess you should go ahead and get it out then. It's your hour."
"Yeah, you get paid either way."
Joe clasped his hands together and took a deep breath, before letting it out in the form of a sigh. He didn't want to do this, but he needed an outsider's perspective.
"I think...I know I've been unfaithful to Stacy."
"Your wife?"
"Yes."
"You slept with another woman?"
"Not exactly. I've only been unfaithful up here."
He pointed to his head as he said this, as if he were illustrating his point to an imbecile.
"Joe, if you fantasized about another woman, it's not quite the same thing. That happens in marriages a lot."
"I'm not an idiot, doctor. This isn't the same thing as that."
He got up and began to pace, as he'd done before. Fuller was used to it at this point, as it was a way for JC to manage whatever anxiety he had and get his thoughts under control.
"I've told you about Lucy Wylde, before, right?"
"I think you have. She's the one that has the girlfriend now and the ex-husband you don't like."
"Yeah, her."
"You slept with her?"
"Again, no. Didn't even touch her."
"But you want to."
"Yes. I mean, no. I mean, I have no fucking idea. I'm in love with her. And I told her that."
Joe sat back down again. He couldn't sit still, but he forced himself to at least sit. He knew he was making the doctor nervous.
"It sounds like you have some conflicting emotions."
Gee, you think so?
"That's not even the worst of it. She loves me back. We're both in committed relationships...or she might not be, I'm not sure...and we've said this. It's a fucked up situation."
"It sounds like it. When did you realize you felt this way?"
"Months ago."
"Before you reunited with your wife?"
Joe put his head in his hands, hiding his shame.
"About a week before, I think."
"Why, exactly, do you think you love Lucy?"
"I mean...I've been asking myself the same thing. Why would I do this to myself, to Lucy, to Stacy? I think the fact that after we became friends, Lucy's constantly there. When I have problems at home, it's her I turn to. If I need advice for my career, I ask her. She gets who I am, she accepts who I am. Meanwhile, my wife changes how she feels about my job and my mental illness on a whim."
"I hardly think it's a whim..."
"No, that's probably not fair to her. She's a wonderful woman but...I feel like we've lost touch in some way."
"Do you think your bipolar disorder is to blame for that?"
"Absolutely. Which makes it more of my fault than hers."
"Not exactly. You can't control who you are. Nor how you feel."
"But I can control what I do about it. And I fucked up. I shouldn't have told Lucy how I felt, no matter how bad the situation was at the time."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not getting into that. That's personal for her."
"Then continue. She gets you, she understands your job and your illness."
"Lucy's just...she's had a rough life. She's had people that don't treat her very well. Her husband took her for granted. Her girlfriend seems selfish. And yet through it all she's a strong woman who always puts others before herself. There's something admirable about that, I think."
"Do you think you could treat her better than her previous relationships?"
"I know I could."
"And what about Stacy? Do you want to divorce her?"
Joe looked up at the doctor with red eyes. The whole thing had been getting to him. He was overcome with emotion and he genuinely had no idea how to proceed with his life.
"I...I don't know."
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September 27, 2018Joe stuffed his wrestling boots into his travel bag. It was his first match since he defeated Will Prydor at Monarchy of Anarchy, a win that he still wasn't comfortable with. He was finally getting to face Amy Jo Smyth, something he'd been wanting for a while. It was hard to set up your dream matches when you were fighting for your career against Redemption or brawling with Paragon for their various misdeeds.
"I still don't understand why you have to leave early. You know we've got Lizzy's doctor appointment in the morning."
"I know, but it can't wait. I've got to get to Baltimore. Something about contracts. Maybe Bridges is finally letting me join the active roster again."
There was no meeting with Jason Bridges, Carnage Wrestling's pick for most hated President of 2018. Joe was already on the active roster again, as evidenced by this match with Amy Jo Smyth. His days of being stuck on the bench were over, as apparently Bridges thought embarrassing Prydor at his own game was enough of a reason to forgive JC for his crimes.
But Stacy didn't know that.
Because Stacy didn't ask.
Lucy did, because it was the first thing she asked about when the match was signed.
"Joe, I know that this job is important to you but...I kind of liked having you at home."
"I liked being home. It's just Baltimore. Three hour drive there, stay a couple of days, then drive back. No problem."
He gave his wife a firm, yet somehow unfeeling kiss. He had a strange aura of resentment towards her and he couldn't figure out why. She hadn't done anything wrong. She was the same woman he married. But she was part of a situation he didn't want to be in, and he was being unfair to her. For that reason, among others, he had to get out of Jersey. It made his skin crawl to share the house with her right now. Maybe competing again was exactly what he needed.
"There will be plenty of doctor appointments for Lizzy. And you can always call me if something's wrong."
She had a brief flash of concern.
"But nothing will be wrong. She's fine. Aren't you?"
He scooped up his daughter for a moment and held her playfully in his arms. The one-year-old cooed gently and laughed. He still loved his daughter and planned to put her first no matter what he ultimately chose to do with his life. One doctor's appointment with just the mother was fine. Especially when their daughter was healthy.
"I guess you're right, I just worry."
"Nothing to worry about. Quick trip to Baltimore, a match with Amy Jo, then I'm back. I mean, it's a friendly competition thing. Amy Jo's not trying to kill me. It'll actually be a walk in the park compared to every other match I've had this year."
He tentatively placed a hand on Stacy's shoulder. She took it and squeezed.
"I love you. I'll be back Sunday night."
He did love her. He knew he did. But his emotions were jumbled. He hoped that this weekend would be just what he needed to sort everything out. Maybe this was a passing thing. Maybe...
"I love you too."
She leaned in and kissed him. It wasn't unwanted, he supposed. He returned it, and felt disgusted with himself for doing so.
"I'll be back Sunday night. I promise."
He threw the back over his shoulder, gave his wife a small hug and kissed his daughter. Then he exited the house. As he did so, he pulled his phone from his pocket and sent out a tweet.
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When I was a kid, I hated going to the doctor.
Maybe that's a thing all kids have to deal with. I didn't want shots and I wasn't a fan of needles. It seemed like I was always getting stuck with them. My mom insisted I keep going because I guess she didn't want me to get sick with something down the line. Facing the doctor was in my best interest, and yet I hated doing it.
Once again, I find myself facing a doctor, and once again it's in my best interest. But I gotta say, Amy Jo, I don't hate the idea of taking you on in the ring.
After all, I put out the challenge. I think you're retired, right? Or at least headed that way. But I just had to know. I had to know which one of us was better. Never had the chance in OWF and I'd be damned if I was going to let you go without inviting you to the dance once more time. Sometimes you see a fighter in the ring, and more than anything else, you want to fight them. You have to test yourself.
It's the thrill of competition. It's something the James Cenos and Melody Lennoxes of the world will never understand. But we understand it, don't we. We understand the feeling to get up in the morning, push your body to its absolute limit and prepare yourself to beat someone else up just to see who is physically superior. We get the rush. We bleed this business.
You're a kindred spirit. A spirit animal. You know exactly how I feel about this job and I know exactly how you feel now that you're nearing the end of your career. I've already retired before now. Then I came back. I don't know if you'll return after this, but I do know that you deserve a better send-off than being quietly forgotten in Carnage because the boss doesn't like you.
So I challenged you. It's a win-win situation. Either I win and prove myself against one of the best of my generation, or you win and get a proper Carnage farewell. Either way, we dust ourselves off, shake hands and revel in the fact that we put on a show for fans of wrestling. In the middle of all of this bloodlust and chasing glory, you don't see that anymore. You don't see two people out there giving everything they have in the spirit of competition, just for the love of it.
That's what we're going to do and I am fucking excited.
But this is where I have to get serious. Because even though I like you and respect you, I treat every match the same way. I hurt people. I'm going to hurt you. I think you know that, and the fact you accepted anyway speaks to your character. You've been around me in two different promotions and know exactly what I'm capable of. You know I'm going to throw you around that ring. You know I'm going to kick you in the face. You know I'm going to give you a beating that you'll be feeling for weeks, all in the name of victory.
That's what sets you apart from the rest of the so-called champions and former champions on our roster. It's why I challenged you.
Melody Lennox ducked me.
James Ceno dismissed me.
Jack Michaels looks down on me.
But Amy Jo Smyth, the Good Doctor, sees the challenge of JC before her and says, "fuck yes, bring it on."
Because we're different than the rest. We're better.
Not only that, but we're going to go out there at We Are Relentless and prove that we're better. We're going to prove to the world that our generation is the best generation.
And we're going to do it with fists.
