February 21, 2018
Stacy was never one to eavesdrop, but she knew suspicious behavior when she saw it. And the truth of the matter was that Lucy was acting very suspicious.
Most women would feel a bit of jealously at their husbands close friendship with another woman, but Stacy was never like that. When it came to Lucy Wylde, she knew that the bond with JC was strictly platonic. The two never showed any outward affection, nor any inclination of wanting to. Joe had never confirmed it, but his wife guessed that he saw Lucy as a mentee of sorts. He took a stern, fatherly approach to her, which in itself was ridiculous because they were only five or six years apart. Perhaps it was more of a big brother role.
So jealously was never a factor when she thought about the Joe/Lucy friendship. That didn't change the fact that something was up with Lucy, and she didn't like being kept in the dark about it. It's not as if Stacy was blind. She read the tabloid reports on TMZ like anyone else. She knew what was going on with Lucy's parents. So why she had to be so secretive about whatever it was, and not confide in anyone but Joe, was baffling.
It was this thought process that had Stacy inconspicuously mopping the floor near the entrance to the basement. The floor didn't need mopping, and truth be told, she didn't particularly like doing it. Joe insisted on hiring a professional service once a week, as he never wanted her to have to do chores as part of their marriage. He was sweet in his practicality. But here she was just the same, doing a piss-poor job of mopping the floor so she'd have an excuse to train an ear towards the lower part of the house. She felt like an ass.
“Let me guess, you’re not here about ‘wrestling stuff’.”
That was Joe's voice. And the fact he confirmed what Lucy said was a lie immediately hurt Stacy quite a bit. She liked Lucy. Lucy had her issues, such as bursting into a home with a child shitfaced, but she was getting over that. It occurred to Stacy that she seemed to attract friendships with damaged people. It also occurred to her that she was damaged herself, so she didn't dwell on the matter.
“You didn’t tell her about what happened the other morning, did you?”
Lucy's voice. And the implication hurt. Not only did Lucy lie to her face but apparently Joe was also keeping something from her.
She thought they were past that. After her near-death and his near-insanity, she thought they were done with secrets. What happened the "other morning?" An obvious conclusion would be something intimate, but she knew that was ridiculous. Joe wasn't the type and she guessed Lucy wasn't either. So what was it? What were they hiding?
Realizing the mop was simply hanging in her hand now, she put it away as quietly as possible. She didn't much care about being caught, but she didn't want the noise of what she was doing to prevent her from hearing more. She no longer felt as bad about listening in. At least she would be honest if confronted about it. Her husband of five years (and they just hit their anniversary weeks ago) apparently couldn't give her the same courtesy.
"...didn’t tell her Joe.. But that’s...talk to you about.”
The voices were getting harder to hear now. Stacy set down cross-legged on the floor, emotionally sapped. The lying. The fucking lying. Whatever it was, Stacy could take that. But why lie? After all they had been through together. After everything that the overcame to preserve their marriage, why lie?
She pressed her ear to the door as the voices grew more muffled. Either they were aware someone might be listening in or they were moving to another part of the basement. She thought about cracking the door open, but they might see that. That would end the conversation and she'd never know.
"...he saw us in the front yard..."
Just more loose phrases that she couldn't make out. She pushed herself back up and gave up. Either they were where she couldn't hear or they were lowering their voices to prevent it. Either way, this spying was enough. She suddenly didn't care anymore what they were saying or not saying. The lies were enough.
She went to check on her baby, the only one in the house who was honest with her at this time.
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It had been a rough drive home. Joe was beaten up and bruised, but that wasn't necessarily it. He was racked with guilt over something that technically, wasn't even his fault. There was nothing he could have done and James Ceno was not part of his crew. He acted alone and even if The Rogues knew what he was up to, they had left at that point. No one could have stopped it.
That didn't stop the guilt. Perhaps he shouldn't have rounded up Trent and GI to send a message. Perhaps he let his emotions get the better of him. He was having a harder and harder time controlling himself. There was the incident at the childhood home of Lucy Wylde, as well as the hallucinations prior to his medicine getting changed. Was this the way his life was going to be from now on? A day-to-day management of his behavior which he was never fully in control of?
He let out a long sigh as he pulled his truck into his driveway. It was a sigh of both exasperation and relief. At least he was home now. He could kiss his daughter, spend some time with his wife and then get some well-deserved rest.
Stacy had been acting cold and distant for the last week, and he suspected Lucy's last visit caused it. He didn't know that exactly, but Lucy was acting really shift due to her anxiety. Stacy was a smart woman. You could not get anything past her. He knew from personal experience. He planned to tell her about the incident at Lucy's dad's home just as he did about the hallucination. But he needed time to process it.
His mental illness had always been a sore spot between them. And it was something he didn't want to involve her with, as he didn't want to hurt her again. However, lying to her, or at least not telling her what was going on, wouldn't that hurt her just as much? Joe supposed he should finally tell her tomorrow and they should discuss the matter. If nothing else, it would relieve some of the guilt he was feeling pressured by.
The light in their bedroom offered a soft glow among the pitch black darkness in their residential area. No street lights to be found here, which is how he liked it. The light meant that Stacy was up. She didn't always wait for him, but he was glad that she did this time. It was nice to be away from the violence and just be with the woman he loved.
Joe put the keys in the door and as it unlocked, he pushed it open quietly. He didn't want to wake Lizzy, as much as he actually would like to spend time with her. He was thankful at least, that he worked for a promotion so close to home. He only had to spend a day or two a week away from his family, a far cry different from his earlier career.
"Stace? You up?"
He had to speak in a loud whisper, but even that seemed to carry in the dark hall. He had to use the sliver of light from the room at the end to make his way forward. Before stopping in his room, he gently pushed open the door to the baby's room. A nightlight softly glowed, projecting images of animals on the ceiling. She was sleeping soundly and peacefully, which made him jealous. Joe leaned over the grip and gingerly kissed the head of his daughter, before pulling the blanket up slightly that she kicked off during the night.
"Goodnight baby. Daddy's home."
Lizzy rustled for a moment but kept sleeping. He turned to leave and shut the door behind him. Diagonally from that room was the bedroom, and he saw Stacy moving around in there. Joe opened the door and it took a moment to register what he saw on the bed. It was a suitcase. He opened his mouth to speak but when Stacy looked up and saw him, she started the conversation before he could.
"I wanted to be done before you got back."
"Done with what?"
It was a dumb question, considering the half-packed bag. Luckily it wasn't one that Stacy felt the need to answer, so he just continued.
"Is this because of Chaos?"
"Partially."
"Stace, that was just...we had nothing to do with Amber."
"I know that. But you still started a fight for no reason than to hurt people."
"Not hurt, just..."
"And that, along with the lies, makes me think you're in a bad place again."
"The lies..."
He wasn't questioning that because he knew exactly what she was talking about. Again, she was a smart woman. She knew damn well that Lucy wasn't being truthful. The only thing Joe didn't know is what she felt the truth was.
"Don't even try to deny lying to me, Joe."
"I'm not. I know exactly what you mean."
She looked up at him, almost insulted that he wasn't more shocked at her discovery. Perhaps she thought he would feign ignorance or simply plead that he forgot. But the fact that he wasn't calm at the moment only fueled how mad she was at the moment.
"Can I at least explain before you do anything crazy?"
"Fine."
She went to the dresser and opened it up, grabbing the baby's clothes she kept there and moving back to stuff them in her briefcase. Not only did she meant to leave, she meant to take Lizzy. This was bad and this had been boiling up for a while. He instantly hated himself for not telling her immediately. More than that, he knew it was about to get worse if he decided to tell her about his near-assault of a man he didn't know. Assault, extortion, threatening...he risked a long stay in prison that night. She wouldn't like that at all.
"Lucy has a personal situation going on, and she didn't want to talk to anyone else about it. She's embarrassed."
"Joe, I know all about her parents saying shit. I do see tabloids when I go out, you know."
"Well then you..."
"That's not what you two were talking about. I overheard you. That probably makes me a distrustful wife, but I don't care. I heard you talking about something that happened some morning, and how someone may have saw you. And I heard you talking about not telling me. I heard you, Joe."
That last bit was said through her teeth, almost in a hiss.
"What exactly do you think it's going on? Do you think that Lucy and I are..."
"No, of course not. I know you better than that. But something is going on, and the fact that you would keep it from me hurts."
With everything in the bag that she wanted to take, she closed the top and began to zip it up. Joe realized he had to tell the truth and he had to do so fast. Not that it would help at this point. Her mind was made up. She was definitely leaving tonight, although for how long he had no idea. They'd surely been through worse than this.
"You're right. Something is going on. She was there because she thought we were seen by her father. Because last week we were at her childhood home."
"...why?"
The bag was now on the floor, with the handle pulled out, ready to roll. All she had to do was grab the baby and Joe was in her way. Not that he'd try to stop her. One constant about his illness is that no matter what, he would never hurt Stacy. He never touched her, not once. It's what kept them together, he thought. While he wouldn't stop her, he did want to explain himself before she took off.
"Because I didn't know about what was going on. And when she told me I just...I saw nothing but red. It was the old days all over again."
"What...what were you going to do?"
He knew he had to tell her, but there was nothing he wanted to do less.
"I'm not sure. Hurt him, probably. Threaten him to stop. I wasn't thinking clearly."
"You were..."
"She was there to stop me."
Stacy hesitated for a moment, then he saw that her eyes were glistening. She shut them briefly and tears rolled down her face. Then she began to push by him without warning and went to the baby's room. JC didn't even turn around. He heard her cooing to the baby as she lifted her up, cradling her as she came back. He slowly moved and looked at her, his own eyes growing blurry with a mixture of sadness and exhaustion.
"Aren't you going to say anything?"
"How long were you planning on keeping this from me?"
"Until I got back home. I needed time to wrap my head around it."
"Joe, how many times do I have to tell you? It was just like the mirror thing. We can tackle these problems together. You just have to trust me."
"I...I do trust you. I just...I don't want things to be like they were. Just stay. We'll talk it out in the morning."
"Joe, I can't. I already made up my mind after watching Chaos. I saw you. You're...you're dangerous right now. And what you just told me, along with the lies? I can't trust you with my safety."
Joe felt a flash of anger, burning white hot inside of him. He dismissed it, as he was able to do around his wife. She was the only constant in his life when everyone else abandoned him. And now she seemed prime to do the same.
"That's.."
He moved a palm up to his eye and wiped away the wetness. The fact that he was tearing up told a bigger story than his words would. He guessed that wouldn't be enough. Stacy knew what she had to do and she felt it was right. He was definitely in the wrong here.
"That's ridiculous. I'd never hurt you."
"Joe, I want to believe that. And I know you haven't before. But I've got more to think about than just us. There's Lizzy."
Lizzy, who was now awake but calm, hazily looked around at the sounds both of them were making. She gurgled and closed her eyes again. Lizzy, who he just showed extreme gentleness with moments ago so as not to wake her. It felt like days ago at this point.
"Stacy, I would never..."
"Joe, that's the thing with mental illness. We're not in control of it. And I've seen you at your worst. I'm sorry, but I can't be here if you get like that again. I love you, and I want to come back. But you've got to fix this. Go back to Dr. Fuller, up your meds, go get committed for a time, something. But this can't go on. The bipolar episodes, then the lies about them...I can't deal with it and you know it."
"I know. But I..."
Anger flashed up against him again. He was trying to control it but it was getting exceedingly difficult. Perhaps no medication would ever be enough. Perhaps he should just let her go. Perhaps he should...
She began to walk to the door, just absentmindedly, as she prepared to go. Suddenly, where he was standing, Joe's arm flung out. It was seemingly of its own accord. It was a watershed moment he would regret in the days and weeks afterward. But as he was just thinking about letting her go...his anger got the better of him.
His fist was now buried in the drywall of their home up to his wrist. Lizzy was now bawling due to the noise. Stacy turned back around, startled. When she saw what happened, and saw his head lowered, she began to cry herself.
"God, Joe. You just proved my point."
She hooked her purse around her shoulder and rocked Lizzy, whose cries began to get quieter. She wiped her eyes and grabbed the handle of her rolling suitcase.
"I'll be at my sister's. Please get this fixed, Joe. I...I want to come back."
With that, she turned around and opened the door, exposing the house to the cool spring air. It was early in the morning and the sun was perhaps minutes away from rising. Joe pulled his hand out of the wall and stared at it, barely noticing the ragged cuts on his knuckles.
Stacy left the house, leaving JC there with nothing but his thoughts and an empty hole in the wall.
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Sometimes, there's one moment that changes everything. For us, it was Chaos 51, a watershed moment for everyone involved. It was when Amber Ryan was ruthlessly injured. It was an attack that she didn't deserve, for all her faults. We started it and James Ceno finished it.
Did things go too far? Or perhaps did we not go far enough? Perhaps it was Ceno showing us just how far we should have went. Lord knows there was a small part of me, perhaps bigger than I'd like to admit, that wishes it was me who did it. Part of me wishes I could just go back to the way I was. Back when I attacked people with malice. When the message I was sending was far less important than the damage I was packaging with it. However noble my intentions were to begin with, they became seriously skewed by my interest in maiming.
But I'm not that person anymore.
That's what I have to tell myself at night in order to sleep comfortably. I'm not that maniac. I'm not the guy who tries to stomp people's heads into mush. Because surely, someone like that would need to be locked up. Someone like that would need to be kept away from polite society. A savage. A brute. A psychopath.
There's one thing I fear in this world. Only one. It's that I will become who I used to be and there will be no saving me. I fear what I might do if I let my darker desires and my mental illness run unchecked. And so I strive to leave behind a legacy that will change the perception that I was a monster. That's all I want. I want to establish that I'm not a savage, but someone that was the best at what he did. Not only that, I want to leave this business better than when I found it, to make up for my own attempts to change it.
Where do Trent Steel and GI fit in all this? They're my brothers. GI is my brother by blood, of course, and Trent I acquired through war. Their motivations are their own, but I'd like to think we're on the same wavelength. We're certainly a unified front, as Chaos 51 showed. No one from the OWF would ever believe that if you asked them two years ago. Of course OWF was alive and not being fucked over by management two years ago, so a lot has changed.
For Paragon, Chaos 51 was the night they began to fall apart. You lost two members that night. Sure, you replaced Ryan with some nobody, but you and I both know the stable won't be the same. Amber brought your group credibility. She may have rubbed people the wrong way, but she had genuine respect backstage. Ask anyone. With her gone, Paragon is just a group of directionless thugs.
If we're casting blame, let's not look at the Rogues. Hell, I don't even think Ceno is fully to blame. You know who is? Jack Michaels. It was Jack's quixotic crusade that got Paragon into this mess. It was his delusions that ostracized Ceno to the point he did what he did. It was Jack's blatant disregard for competition that led to us softening them up to begin with. All this can be traced to one man, and he will never admit just how much of a cowardly failure he really is.
So now, Paragon is locked up in a cage with us and the only one they have for back-up is Sebastian Steel. You know, the also-ran of the Steel family. The nephew perpetually in his uncle's shadow. The man I've beaten, with relative ease, on two occasions. Nice choice, guys. I'm sure that won't come back to haunt you.
For us, it was the event that strengthened our bond and showed that we are what we say we are. In a fair fight, The Rogues will beat Paragon every single time. But at that event, we showed we can play just as dirty as anyone else. Maybe we didn't go to the lengths of Ceno, but we proved what we're capable of. And that was only a taste of what we can really do.
Don't let Jack Michaels deceive you. He led a 5-on-2 attack on the Rogues because he had to. It was the only way for him to win. So if Jack wants whine, deflect and defame so no one realizes he doesn't have the ability to beat us without help, let him. Go for it. Just know that match was my breaking point. I've been psychologically tortured by Redemption for half a year, but this was finally what did it. I'm done apologizing and I'm done pretending to be something I'm clearly not. I see now the path I have to walk in order to finally accomplish my goals, and why I've been staggering so far.
It's time to dig down deep and bring back a little of the old JC. I didn't think I'd have to again after Redemption, but this time I think he's here to stay. Every time he goes away, people seem to think I'm someone that can be overlooked. So it's time to become the Answer again, and this time for good. If you're smart, that terrifies you. But if you were smart, you wouldn't have to rely on others, would you Jack?
As I said, Chaos 51 changed everything. And now?
I'm done playing nice.
